


Crime and Santana

by Gleennui



Category: Glee
Genre: Being upfront, Crack, How Blaine Fares, Intentionally poor characterization, Multi, Satire, WHERE'S SANTANA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1293043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleennui/pseuds/Gleennui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What do you mean, 'where's Santana?' We just saw her yesterday at school." </p>
<p>"Yeah, but I mean where is she? She's usually, like, right here all the time."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crime and Santana

**Author's Note:**

> This is crackfic. I wanted to be upfront about that.

"Where's Santana?"

Kurt looks up from where he's been filing his nails to see Finn standing in his doorway, propped up against the door jam. 

"Hmm?" Kurt eyes his nails appraisingly and places his emery board back in his cosmetics case, carefully zipping it up and returning it to his vanity drawer. "What do you mean, 'where's Santana?' We just saw her yesterday at school." 

"Yeah, but I mean _where is she?_ She's usually, like, right here all the time."

Kurt taps his chin and thinks about it for a moment. Santana had missed their thrice-daily glee Skype session, but he'd assumed that she'd just been going all Lima Heights Adjacent on someone's ass, and he hadn't given it a second thought. Finn's right, though. She's usually around at all times, or at least the pervasive topic of conversation. 

"Did you try calling Brittany?" Kurt sashays over to Finn and adjusts Finn's hopelessly wrinkled rugby shirt, trying in vain to straighten out the collar. Finn's usually a mess, and today is no exception. 

"Oh. No. Do you think we should? I just noticed she wasn't here and came to find you." 

Kurt rolls his eyes, and is about to take matters into his own hands, when a voice interrupts his move to grab his phone. 

"Hey babe." Puck appears in the doorway behind Finn, holding his motorcycle helmet. "Where's Santana?" 

"Puck!" Kurt squeals, and pushes past Finn, ignoring Finn's wounded-puppy look and standing on his tiptoes to kiss his boyfriend. "I missed you!" He pets Puck's arm through his leather jacket, and giggles. "My man is so strong." 

Puck smirks and snaps his gum. "I know, babe, but I had some badass things to do. Had to clean some pools. P-U-L-E-S. Gotta make that cash." 

"Guys, we're wasting time. WHERE'S SANTANA?!" Finn looks near tears by now, and Kurt purses his lips at Puck. 

" _Someone_ is a Nervous Nelly," he says conspiratorially, shielding his mouth from Finn's view with his hand. "But I was just about to call Brittany to find out. Sit down so I can sit on your lap. But oh! Put down those paper towels first. You're covered in algae!" 

Puck does line Kurt's vanity chair with paper towels before he sits, and Kurt hems and haws for a moment, but does sit after first covering Puck's lap with a dark-colored towel. He finds Brittany's number with dainty taps to his smartphone, and crosses his legs at the knee. 

"Where's Santana?" Brittany sounds dazed, but Brittany always sounds dazed, so Kurt's not sure if Brittany's particularly concerned or not. "I was making a Froot Loop necklace for Lord Tubbington when I turned around and she was gone. We were going to come up with baby names today for our future children. I like 'Paramount,' but Santana says that's a better name for a hamster." 

"Oh. Um." Kurt frowns at the phone. "I'm sure whatever you come up with will be fine. Just make sure you tell us exactly whom you use as a sperm donor. Don't leave out any out details." He can feel Puck nodding behind him. 

"Where's Santana, Kurt? Where?!" Finn is bouncing next to him, and Kurt can feel the room shake. "This is, like, the worst thing that's ever happened to us, including that time I super-glued my hand to Mom's nice teapot and broke a window trying to shake it off. This is _Phantom Menace_ -bad, Kurt." Kurt sucks in his cheeks and pats a loose hair from his pompadour back into place. 

"Finn, please sit down. You're like an over-excited meerkat." Finn does sit, right on Kurt's new duvet cover, and Kurt makes a mental note to clean the Spaghetti-Os stains out of it later. "Here's what we're going to do: we're going to go downstairs, I'm going to make a smoothie with acai berries and chia seeds, and I am going to sip it slowly while I drive us over to the choir room." He raises an eyebrow at Finn, who's bouncing slightly in his seat. "I need you to get all the New Directions to meet us there, including Matt and Lauren and the band geeks who swayed in the background once. And please, Finn, be sure to dial the correct numbers." 

 

A little over an hour later, Kurt is sitting delicately on Puck's lap on the choir room piano bench, after having pushed Brad off of it and onto the floor. Finn has, in fact, managed to summon every New Directions member, past and present--except Blaine, because Blaine is the worst--all of whom are sporting varying expressions of confusion. Matt, in particular, looks like he's not sure where he is or why he's there. Kurt just figures it's especially lucky that Matt happened to be wandering around Lima when he got Finn's poorly spelled text calling an emergency meeting. Kurt takes a small sip of his smoothie before speaking. 

"It has come to my attention that we're all wondering, 'Where's Santana?' Since Santana is an integral and ubiquitous part of our lives, I'm sure you're feeling her absence as sharply as Puck and I are. Oh, and Finn, too." he continues, when he catches Finn waving out of the corner of his eye. "Santana has been there for all our seminal moments, from Puck's bris to Tina's Asian...thing...to the first time Puck and I made love." 

"That's right, babe!" Puck growls and smacks the side of Kurt's ass. Kurt bows his head and bats his eyelashes before continuing. 

"So I'm sure if we put our heads together, we can figure out where she might have gone so we can have our Santana back in our lives before she misses the birth of one of our children." Kurt takes another small sip before setting his smoothie on the piano and folding his hands primly in his lap. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

"Well, I, for one, have the perfect song for the occasion. I just happened to have been working on it earlier this week, and--" whatever else Rachel is planning to say is muffled by the lollipop Brittany sticks in her mouth. 

"Shhh. No more talking." Brittany shakes her head and pets Rachel's hair, in what Kurt imagines is supposed to be a soothing manner. 

"OH NO SHE DI'INT!" Kurt looks up to see Mercedes strutting down the gallery choir room steps. "Girl, let me tell you something. If my mama knew I'd disappeared, she'd come and find me and drag me home by my hair and whoop my ass! Mmm hmmm!" Mercedes snaps her fingers and cocks her hip, looking out at the rest of the New Directions. Kurt frowns.

"Mercedes, are you feeli--you know what? Never mind. Does anyone else have a suggestion? Mike? Bl--Tina? Band geeks?" He ignores Finn, who's half-out of his chair, arm swinging wildly above his head. Sam holds up his hand, and Kurt nods at him demurely. 

"Has anyone tried looking for her?"

The room falls silent, save for Rachel's sucking on the giant lollipop and the occasional whine from Lord Tubbington, whom Brittany is wearing in one of those baby carriers. 

"Babe. Babe." Puck nudges Kurt in the side after the silence has stretched on long enough that Brad starts to voice his discomfort at sitting on the floor. "Pretty sure you were supposed to think of that." 

"Yes. Well." Kurt gestures in the direction of his smoothie, as though Puck should know what he means. "My hair. Was flat." Kurt sees Finn, out of the corner of his eye, nod knowingly and give him a thumbs up. 

Kurt scans the room and realizes that they all look a little lost without Santana. Their rock. Matt is walking in small circles by the drum set. Tina keeps breaking into intermittent sobs and blowing her nose on Mike's sleeve. And Brittany appears to be trying make out with the cat. Although, again, that might have nothing to do with Santana. Wherever Santana went, they need to find her, and quickly, before they all fall apart. 

"I might know where she is," a voice purrs from the top row of seats. They all turn to look at Quinn, who appears to be halfway through a Dostoevsky. Even Brad pops his head up to peer over the piano, before Puck shoves him back down. Quinn keeps her eyes on her book for another several seconds before she closes it and looks up. "Come with me." 

 

The walk with Quinn through the neighborhoods surrounding McKinley seems to drag on forever, particularly when Kurt realizes that they left their cars at school. It seems even longer when Rachel finishes her lollipop and starts on the score of "Beauty and the Beast," singing every single part, even that awful Gaston song. Finally, Quinn leads them to a stately Colonial with a brick walkway that Kurt makes sure not to scuff his boots on. He leans heavily on Puck's arm as he avoids the edges. 

"Badass house, Quinn. Badass like me. Badass." Puck runs his free hand through his mohawk, and spits. Kurt swoons a little, almost tripping on a stray brick. Quinn lets them in the house and seems to know what she's looking for, because she marches them right into what Kurt can only assume is the parlor. What he sees makes him gasp and jump into Puck's arms. 

There, in the middle of the room, sits Mrs. Fabray, pouring tea for a huffy-looking Santana. 

"Hello, dears." Mrs. Fabray doesn't look up, and instead uses tongs to deposit two sugar cubes into Santana's cup. Santana rolls her eyes. "I hope you haven't been looking for Santana long, but the whole messy business of kidnapping always seems to take longer than I expect. Tea?" 

Kurt blinks rapidly at her. Behind him, he can hear Rachel launch into "Human Again."

"Aw, man, I think I dragged mud all over these nice people's carpets. Oh, hi Mrs. Fabray! Hi Santana!" Finn stomps over to a settee and falls into it, draping his arms over the back. Kurt can see that he has, in fact, tracked mud--and sticks and possibly a worm--all over Mrs. Fabray's Oriental rug. Kurt blinks again and pulls a hand free from where it was clinging to Puck's neck to pat his hair back into place again. 

"I'm sorry. Did you say you kidnapped Santana?" Kurt narrows his eyes at the scene, disbelieving. 

"Oh yes, dear. Didn't you get my text? I sent it to one of you. I wanted to make sure you knew I was kidnapping her, because I didn't want it to be awkward." Around him, Kurt sees the New Directions take out their phones to check. He notices that Finn's waving his hand in the air again. Kurt sighs.

"Yes, Finn?"

"I think Mrs. Fabray texted me yesterday! It says, 'Dear Finn. I'm kidnapping Santana. I'm telling you because I wanted to be upfront about it. Love, Judy Fabray.' Hey, Kurt, I think Mrs. Fabray kidnapped Santana!" 

One by one, the New Directions start to laugh. After a beat, Finn joins them, looking pleased with himself. Even Lord Tubbington gives off a yowl that sort of sounds like a giggle. 

Santana finally breaks into a grin. She crosses her arms and shakes her head at Finn. "Oh, Frankenteen Finnocence. What are we going to do with you?" 

The levity in the room is broken when the front door slams open all the way, loudly enough that Kurt makes a surprised little dainty yelp and Lord Tubbington breaks free of his Baby Bjorn and starts eating the sugar. There's a scuffle behind Kurt, and then a wild-eyed Blaine bursts through the sea of New Directions, sweaty and disheveled, his bow tie twisted at an embarrassingly high angle and his boat shoes horribly scuffed. _Didn't watch out for the bricks, clearly._ Kurt purses his lips in disapproval. 

Blaine spins around to look at all of them at once, gesturing dramatically, his arms flapping like some kind of bird. 

"GUYS GUYS GUYS. WHERE'S SANTANA?" 

 

THE END.


End file.
